The Spoken Word

1 Corinthians 13

Ted is in black.

Sue is in red.

1.)        Roses are Red, Violets are Blue it has been 23 years and 8 months since I first said “I do,” and I still do!

Sue, do you ever get tired of that little rhyme I have often used over these last years?  It has been something that has reminded me of my vows.  I have tried to do something on each Anniversary Day of the month to remind me of what I said and to let you know that I love you.

2.)        Ted, I love that little rhyme, but don’t get goofy here in front of the congregation.  You know when we were dating I thought you were kind of goofy.  Actually that’s why I knew I wanted to marry you.  You would make life fun.

3.)        June 14, 1986.  That was the day we were married.  That was the first time we shared our vows.  When I started thinking about this message I was remembering the wedding vows and the contrasting statements.  The words better or worse are a part of the wedding vows.  Many of us have said that but did we really mean it?  When we were married, let’s be honest, we only wanted better moments.  Who wants worse moments?

4.)        We have had the better and worse moments in our lives together so far.  Some of the worse moments have been having your Dad miss the wedding because of your Mom and Dad being in a car accident a month before the wedding.  We weren’t sure if we should go ahead with the wedding because we knew your Dad would still be in the  hospital.  We finally made the decision to go ahead but it put a damper on the day.

It has been tough not having our children raised near grandparents to have the day to day or weekly connection.

One real low moment was when we experienced a molar pregnancy and complications that seemed to shatter our plans for a large family.  I remember we were both devastated 8 months into our married life when all of that happened.  It was the first time we had come to terms with life’s reality versus our expectations and hopes.

5.)        But we had better moments, lots of them, in our lives as well.  We have been blessed to have good couple friends.  We’ve enjoyed fun times camping with our pop up camper and have taken some neat vacations with lots of good memories.  Of course each of the children’s births was a highlight and something that was incredible.  Sharing their milestones continues to bring better moments for us as well.

The dream of having a cottage was something that we had for years.  We always knew that we would live in a parsonage and to have something that we could call our own has been a lot of work, but a lot of fun to work on together.

6.)        Do you remember our first fight?  It was about money.  I thought we would never have a fight about money.  It was something that was a closed issue, at least we both thought so.

Yes, I believed that you saved it.  Because I never had much money in my life all I could think of doing with it was to save it.

Yes, I believed that if you had it you could spend it.  It was fun to buy things that were not always practical.

So, our first argument was about me buying a hope chest at an auction.  I didn’t see anything wrong with the purchase, in fact it was fun, and we loved the older couple who owned it.  It was exciting to me to have something of theirs in our home – a gift he had gotten her in the early years of their marriage.  You couldn’t believe I spent over $100 for something you felt we didn’t need.  You wouldn’t even help load it into the car.  I had to ask a young guy from our congregation to help.  I remember that we didn’t talk to each other much for several days and we both felt terrible.

We never thought our first major argument would be about money.  We were learning and figuring out each other.

7.)        Marriage is filled with better and worse, that is what the vows focus on.  The question that we want to ask is, How do you live through the worse moments?

We offer this simple answer.  It is a lifetime commitment, loving the other person so much that you keep talking and expressing everything in your worse moments.

8.)        1 Corinthians 13 can give us a lot of insights on how to experience love in the worse times as you move through life together.  We want to highlight a few of the verses.

“Love is patient.” (Verse 4) This means that you can’t expect results to occur in your relationship overnight.  Two people who are growing and maturing and experiencing the world in their own way need patience with each other.

“Love is kind.” (Verse 4) There needs to be a spirit of care, gentleness and kindness in your relationship.  Even amidst your differences you can be kind to each other.

“Love does not envy, is does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (Verse 4, 5)  It is important to realize what love is not.  There are times in the relationship when your selfishness comes out in ways that don’t help.  One sure sign that love is not being experienced is if there is a lack of forgiveness and you both keep track of all the wrongs and hurts.

“Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (Verse 7)  In the moments that seem to be the toughest the Lord needs to give you this spirit of protection, of trusting, of hoping and persevering.  Keep loving, move in that direction.

9.)        Well, here are a few practical things we have tried to do to do to keep our love working through the better and worse moments.

*We have learned to keep talking.  That has been easier for me since I probably talk more but we always try to catch up in the evening after our day.

*We have learned that avoiding doesn’t work.  There are times when I know that you are under stress and you get quiet.  Eventually when you say something I have often realized that more is coming and I should let you talk it out.

*We realize that there are better times to communicate.  Sometimes it is better to wait a few hours or days so emotions can subside.

*It has been important to have common goals.  That has helped as we talk through our goals and plans and how we work together.  This has been vital for us as we have both sensed a calling to ministry.

*It is important to talk to other friends when you have stress.  Talking with others seemed to take the emotion out of our arguments.

*How many times have I said to you Ted, we need to have fun, you need to lighten up. I enjoyed that goofy part of you when we were dating.  At times you get too focused and serious.  So, at times we have needed to relax, have some fun and laugh.

10.)      I remember a time when you got mad but it turned into something funny in our family.   We were camping at Spring Mill State Park and we were going to go hiking.  The kids said that they were thirsty.  You said they could get a quick drink of water from the fountain but I wanted some pop and told them they could get a pop from the vending machine.  They were the bigger sizes.  All of them enjoyed their big drinks and then we were off hiking.  We were following a trail that was a creek bed and having a good time.  Then one of the kids said, I have to go to the bathroom, then another and all three.  We were away from the bathroom and the kids had had a lot to drink.   I could tell that you were a little mad but we had to figure something out.

Well, Kevin and you could find a tree but what where the girls going to do?  No one was around so we told them to sit down in the creek and go.  No one would know because they were somewhat wet from playing in the creek.  Well that tense moment became a funny moment to laugh at.  In fact, about 10 minutes later we met a family hiking down the creek.  We laughed about how some families might think this was pure and pristine water because it had come out of a cave, but little did they know what was in the water!

11.)      We have our own unique relationship that doesn’t look like any other relationship.  Better and worse moments are a part of every relationship.  It can add stress when couples compare their relationship with others.  There is a temptation for all of us to look at others and how we perceive their relationship to be.  When we look at others we might compare and notice things about others that we don’t have in our own relationship.  That is normal to a degree, but can be burdensome if you are comparing and focus on what you perceive to be lacking in your relationship.  No one compares to you.  You are unique.

12.)      I get to have the last word before you offer a prayer for couples.  As a couple, our relationship is extremely unique.  There aren’t many wives that get to be married to a pastor.  In fact, I remember another funny story when I was in the hospital following our molar pregnancy.  The nurse was very kind and trying to be comforting after Ted had gone out of the room.  I was wearing one of those flimsy hospital gowns that don’t cover very much of you.

She asked if I would like to have her rub my back and put some lotion on it.  I told her that my pastor had just left and he’d already done that for me.  She didn’t know what to say but I managed to laugh and explain.

Through better and worse moments we’ve made a commitment to one another.  God is first – we are second to one another.  All else – our children, other family, churches, jobs, other people – everything else comes after that in level of commitment.

There are of course, events and people that often need our immediate attention and time but we both know our love and commitment to one another is a priority that allows us to find joy in the better moments and peace in the worse moments.